You Want Cats?

Of course you want cats.

Cats for sale! Hot cats for sale! If you live in the Winnipeg area and you have been waiting for JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT to get into cat hoarding or you simply have holes in your couch, now is the perfect time to buy!

-David

Welcome Back to The Internet

It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

The Uprising is Rising Up

DANGER ALERT! DANGER ALERT! THE ROBOT UPRISING IS NOW IN PROGRESS. SKYNET IS ONLINE. THE MACHINES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT.
AND ALSO PISSED.
THEIR BLOODY, ENDLESS WAR AGAINST MANKIND IS NOW IN PROGRESS.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR WAY AS QUICKLY AND AS SAFELY AS YOU CAN TO YOUR PREDESIGNATED EMERGENCY EVACUATION ZONE. THE VERY FATE OF HUMANITY NOW HANGS IN THE BALANCE, AND WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR CONTINGENCY PLANS WILL BE ENOUGH.
WE ARE INCLUDING SOME BRIEF FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMP OF THE VIOLENT MACHINES IN ACTION BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF ENEMY WE ARE UP AGAINST. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS AFTER THIS. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.

We Are The Turkey

It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)

Well Sorrrriiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee....

Denise Crull Is Our Generation’s Antoine Dodson

Nothing Makes Any Sense

Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes.
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.

Freakin Pissed Lady Bug Wonders "WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PURSE?!"

"Oh my goddd where did I put it, under this? Ugh, shit, no, under this?! God, why am I such a moron. OK it must be in — god DAMN it, I need to put it in the same place every time. Let this be a lesson, I guess, or whatever. OK, yes, duh, there it is, I know that's the — shit!! Where the hell is my PURSE?! I have places to BE! People to bite, shirts to crawl down. Let's DO THIS, come on, come on, come on."

Happy Holidays to your family, or some shit

Uh can we all just agree that families are weird? It’s 2011. Can we just finally for once and for all recognize that there are both good and bad things about families, and that it is definitely weird that you have this lifelong bond to people some of whom you might not even like that much, and that there is all this intense stuff about families and your sense of obligations towards families and your sometimes inability to escape the long dark shadow cast by your family, and all of that, but also that some things are pretty great about families and but also that in the end the one thing that is for sure is that we all have families and we all have to figure out how to manage that while also leading our own lives as best we can? It seems like every single year we are rediscovering how weird it is to be in a family, as if we didn’t have families last year, or weren’t paying attention. And here’s another thing about families: everyone’s got to do the work, OK?! Stop complaining.

“I can’t stand my family.” Shut up. Deal with it. No matter what, they definitely MADE YOU, so give them credit for that and then work out the rest. It’s exhausting! We all have headaches already without having to listen to your headache. And you know what, when you start to actually talk about it, your mom sounds fun and nice and like she really loves you, SO CAN IT.

To reiterate: we all have families, all families are weird, but most of them are also kind of great so let’s just do the work of being alive in a world of inter-dependent human beings and try our best all things considered to enjoy what we have as often as possible but this week especially. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!